The Pain of My Existance
by ShiverMeFunzies
Summary: JD collapses during his shift after experiencing horrible chest pain. What is wrong with him? How will his friends react?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Hey guys. I hope you like this one. It's a bit of a JD Whumping story and its got a lot of JDA. If you're not a fan, don't go any further. If you do like it tho, please let me know, so that I know that I should continue. **

**Disclaimer- I don't own any characters or anything else related to Scrubs. **

Chapter 1

Have you ever woken up and decided that today is a good day to die? Probably not, not unless you're suicidal. Unfortunately, if you wake up to excruciating pain in your chest, thoughts start to drift that way, just to make it go away. This has been happening on and off lately. Thankfully it goes away after a few minutes, but when its there, nothing in the world can be compared to it. I mean I've never actually been stabbed but I have had some very unfortunate accidents involving sharp objects like spears (don't ask) forks and screwdrivers. So I can say this with some what confidence, this definitely hurts more than a knife twisting in your gut or anywhere else. I should probably do something about it, I mean I'm a doctor, who better to say that crazy pain in the chest is a bad thing. I don't know, I'm avoiding it in part because I'm hoping it will go away on its own, and on the other hand, who has the time to get sick anymore? I seem to be working all the time these days, and when I'm not working, I just want to relax and forget about everything. So if I have to ride out a little bit of pain to avoid kissing goodbye to my downtime, or the possibility of getting admitted for something stupid, I'm okay with that. In all honesty though, I'm just not taking any chances of getting examined by Dr Cox again. That was so not my shining moment, it was like an anti- shining moment. Speaking of which, I think I see stars, and I know its sunny outside because my stupid alarm is going off the hook and the sun is totally burning my belly through the opening on my curtain. This is really bad. Something in my chest is definitely ready to explode. I need to do the onesies now, which means I will probably have to get up sooner rather than later. Owie!

Its starting to ease up a bit now though, and I realize that I've been panting for breath. How do you not notice that you're not breathing? How weird would it be if I died because I didn't realize I wasn't breathing and suffocated? I'd have to leave myself a pink sticky note saying "remember to breathe." I bet Elliot will get a laugh out of that one. She seems to find things that she doesn't understand the context of, extremely funny, but will she laugh at my brilliant jokes? No! Ok that's not true, she giggles very sweetly when I crack a joke. I'm just being Mr. Grumpy-and-dying-of-chest-pain in the morning. I have to snap myself out of it though, today is going to be a long day and I need to be bright eyed and bushy tailed, if only so that I can get on Dr. Cox's nerves. I love it when he starts ranting just because I wave at him. I mean you should hear the stuff that he comes up with even when he has no real material to go on, a genius in his own right.

So, I've decided to suck it up and get out of bed now. It still hurts but not as much as before, I'll be able to function at least. I'm sure it'll be gone by the time I get to work. I think I'll take the cab to work today though, I don't particularly want to ride Sasha, just too tired. I didn't even get to sleep through the night, it was one of those "can't find a position to sleep in" nights. I hate those. They should sell beds that tell you which position to sleep n when you can't find one on your own.

_Imagines lying on the bed." Over here you idiot!" Says the bed which seems to have grown two eyes, a mouth and a nose over the blanket. "Ahh, not the foot side! Can't I put my head near the headboard?"JD wines. _

"_No you moron, who's the bed here anyway, me or you. Get you face down there or I'll make you so uncomfortable, you'll wish you were sleeping on the floor." _

Why do I always get angry furniture? Anyway, I'm going to be late if I don't rush right now. I can tell this is going to be a crappy day. I don't even have time to grab a slushy! At least the pain from hell is now gone. Thank god, I was not looking forward to working through the day with that.

…………..

Even though my day didn't start right, I was determined to have a decent preparation ritual outside the hospital, like I usually do. So there I was, listening to Mika singing Grace Kelly and trying desperately to control my automatic dance reflexes. I wasn't doing a good job though because my but kept moving left to right. What can I say, it's a great song, it's hard not to dance to it. At least Turk isn't here to reprimand me.

"JD! How many times do I gatta tell you man, white boys don't dance."

"Sorry' Dammit, where did he come from?

So there, I got my 10 seconds of song and dance before I was interrupted by my buddy who's face I feel like smushing. My day has officially begun very wrong, But hey, I'm not giving up this easily, if I can't dance, then I'm walk to the music.

"You can't do the cat walk either." Crap!

"So C-bear! What you got planned tonight?"

"Not that much. Carla wants to take Izzie to her aunt so I'm home free! Wanna do something tonight?"

"Ugh, I can't, I've got the night shift." I forgot about that. This day is going to go on forever. I already feel drained.

"Dude, you need to do something about your shifts, you look like you're gonna pass out on your feet. How many night shifts have you done this week?"

"This would be the fourth, and I've been doubling up on the day shifts to cover some of my Intern's patients."

"What? What the hell for?"

"Her grandmother just died. She's pretty upset. It's ok though, its only temporary."

"Yea well don't over do yourself man, its not like you already don't spend all your life here."

"Aww C-brear! You're worried about me." I can't help it, I know it freaks him out when I get all mushy on him, it's so funny.

"I'm not worried. Who said I'm worried? I am just expressing my opinion."

"Of concern."

"No, as a doctor, I am expressing my medical opinion that you are over-work yourself."

"whatever you say Chocolate bear."

Walking into the hospital, I feel all my exhaustion and discomfort fade away. I have work to do, people to help and interns to teach, no time for being sick or tired. Not to mention, I have Dr Cox to irritate.

"Hey Dr. Cox." I say with all the false cheerfulness I could muster, coupled with a slow wave.

"Strike one." What?

"What's strike one?"

"That is the first strike out of three that you're going to get today before I smother you to death for bugging me so much that I don't mind committing murder. You are now down one, by addressing me for no apparent reason and for doing the princess wave and basically being the annoying little girl that you are. Now go, go go." Ah, nothing like a good rant in the morning. I already feel better. Now I can begin my day like I normally do.

You see, I've come to realize that there is a lot of love behind Dr. Cox' rant and no matter what he says, the underlying meaning is that he actually cares. So instead of taking it personally, I've started taking it as a sign that all is well in "Cox's world". Thus, my day will not go too horribly wrong.

…………………….

It's only been a couple of hours since my shift started and I'm already feeling like I'm going to pass out. The horrible crushing pain is back, only its coming and going very frequently and is disrupting my focus. A few moments ago, it peaked to a point where my vision started to blur. Thank god I wasn't with a patient. In fact, I'm glad no one was around. I'm sitting in my office right now, pretending to do some paperwork, but in truth, I'm resting my forehead against the table, riding out the monstrosity that is my chest.

A loud banging noise jerks me of the table.

"JD! I've been looking everywhere for you. Why aren't you answering your pager?"

I was paged? When? God I'm so not on top of my game today.

"Sorry Elliot, I was doing some paperwork." I say lamely. I don't even have papers on my desk. I'm clentching my teeth a little bit right now. Everything is hurting so much that I'm finding it hard to keep my hand from squishing my chest. This is just ridiculous, I need to get checked out.

"Are you ok? You seem really tense."

"Yea, I've just been sitting in the same spot too long." Why am I lying? God, it hurts, I should just tell her. I know I won't though, she'll get all worried and bothered. I'm just not up to handling that right now.

"Are you sure?" Oh please, today of all days, you pick to take notice of me. Where is Keith when you need him?

"Yea, Why were you paging me?" Good, concentrate on other things.

"Oh, yea, Turk wants to talk to you about doing a surgical procedure on one of you patients, and Dr Cox told me to give you these, patients. He's gone to pick up Jack from school. He said he'll be back in an hour." Her hands seem so cold as she hands the charts over. I can feel a chill run down my spine as her fingers brush against my palms. At the same time though, I draw comfort from her touch. She a such a beautiful and caring crazy cold neurotic. For a moment I wish we were together, but that moment passes as she takes back her hand. She's with someone else now, and I've already hurt her enough times.

"Ok that's fine. Thanks Elliot." I say, schooling back my face so that it neither shows my physical pain nor emotional. Things are easier this way.

"I'll see you at lunch then?"

I can't even think about food right now but I don't want to disappoint her. "Sure. I'll see you there." With that she smiles a little and walks away, closing the door behind her. I'm almost tempted to go right back to my earlier position but I can't, I have work to do.

……………………….

I worked right through lunch because of all the extra patients. It's been a rough day and I have no doubt that it will get even worse. The pain in my chest had gone down considerably ever since I started working again. I was going by the theory that I was being punished for taking breaks so I just didn't take them. That was until I had to go looking for Carla at the Nurse station. I was so tired that I just spaced out, leaning on the counter.

"Bambi!" What?

"Sorry Carla, what were you saying?"

"Are you ok, I've been calling your name for the past minute."

"Sorry, just tired."

"Go home. You're too tired to be here. Let the interns handle some of your patients. You shouldn't have to take over other people's work when you have so much of your own."

"I can't, I already gave as many patients away as they could handle. Besides, I have the night shift today too. There's no point in going home now."

"Aww What's the matter Pamela, bit off more than you can chew?"

"Perry!" Carla can be scary when she wants to be. She's giving Dr. Cox the third degree just by glaring at him. I would not want to be him right now.

"Are all my patients alive Candy?" He seems more tame now. I have to get lessons from Carla on how to handle Dr. Cox some time

"All alive and accounted for." As I hand over the charts, searing pain suddenly erupts in my chest once again and this time its worse than anything I've ever experienced before. I can feel my knuckles go white as I grip the charts like dear life.

"Ya actually have to let go Newbie…" I let go immodestly but grab onto the counter for support. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now. My face must give away how truly uncomfortable I am because Dr. Cox's attitude suddenly changes.

"Newbie?" I can't get myself to answer him as another bout of pain surges through my chest and my hands shoot up to some how grab the little man with the ax that is using my chest as a chopping board. I'm trying really hard not to scream but I know I let out an involuntary gasp.

"Hey, take it easy big guy. What's wrong?" He is grabbing hold of me now, as my knees begin to buckle. Carla is right there next to me too.

"Dr Cox…I…urgh…hurts…"

"Bambi, take it easy. What hurts?"

"Chest. Really hurts. Its like being…stabbed." Wow, I feel so horrible right now that I'm becoming detached. For some reason, I start to think about pie. Apple pie, cherry pie, lemon pie and every other pie I can think of. Somewhere in my mind, I know I'm being random, but its helping me not thinking about the pain. That's until I see Turk's worried eyes above me. I didn't even realize I was lying on the floor, my head is on something cushy. I look further upwards and realize that its Dr. Cox. He looks frantic, he's yelling at people to grab gunnies and something about prepping for chest x-ray. The way his voice breaks sort of freaks me out. I think I've scared all my friends. That in itse;f is scary because we're all doctors. Getting sick isn't anything new for us. Maybe its because none of us ever passed out in the middle of work before. Its probably too close to home. We're doctors, we supposed to take care of other people, not get sick. As I'm thinking of all this, I realize that I'm being lifted. Amongst all the touches, I can distinguish Turk's gentle but firm hands, Carla's warm ones and Elliot's super-cold ones. Dr. Cox is now running beside me as I'm wheeled out of the lobby. As I watch the white lights pass by above my head, I realize that its getting harder and harder to breathe. Dark spots dance around in my vision before everything goes blank. The last thing I hear is Dr Cox's voice.

"Hang on Newbie."

**A/N: Thanks for reading please review! And I'm sorry for the spelling errors. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Hey guys, that's so much for your review. I hope you like the new chapter. Please let me know that you're still reading, or else I might get lazy. **

Dr. Cox

This isn't happening. It just isn't. I don't get it, he was fine one minute and the next minute he passes out. The image of his suddenly pale face, as he caught onto the counter, will never leave my head. He looked so drained and weak, but I could tell that he was controlling his reactions. What kind of a stupid doctor tries to hide when he's sick? He should be the role model for patients and get himself checked out the minute something feels wrong. Heck he should be a borderline hypochondriac with all the stuff he knows about sickness. That's Newbie though; he's always neglecting his own problems to deal with everything else in the world. Sometimes I wonder if people who care that much should even be doctors. I mean, he will never be able to have a life outside of work at this rate; he can't seem to stop working. I was like that, but that was partly because I didn't have Jordan and Jack at the time. Now, I've managed to be a family man without compromising my work ethic too much. Newbie though, he could be with someone if he tried, but instead he chooses to work himself to the ground. I watch him day after day, going on nothing but pure will power after spending much more time than needed at work, and he doesn't even complain. He has a goofy and irritating smile plastered on his face all the time. It makes me want to strangle him, mostly because I wish I could be like him sometimes. I wish I could be that content with life that not even working in a hell hole like this could phase my enthusiasm. I guess he's my role model in some ways too. I'd never tell him that though, he may be a good kid but by god is he needy. I can't come within ten feet of him without having him fanaticizing about us being best friends who go to each other's slumber parties and gossip about our prom date

I have his ultrasound result in my hand, but I'm not sure I want to look at it. This isn't like before, something could be seriously wrong with him this time. I'm not sure I'm ready to find out. Carla is standing beside me, nervously shifting from one foot to the other. I know the feeling. Finally I can't take it anymore, I have to get this over with, and time could be of the essence. As I will out the x-ray and place it in front of the light, my heart begins to beat so fast that all I can hear is the loud rushing sound of my heartbeat whizzing by.

"Carla, call in a cardiologist now!"

"What's wrong with him?"

"Everything." I can see her eyes go wide. I don't know what else to say.

"Perry?" Her eyes are pleading now. For a doctor I'm sure having trouble articulating a single diagnosis, but my God, this is Newbie! This is the man that has by some miracle, made this hell hole of a place bearable for a lot of people, including the two having this awful conversation.

"It's his heart Carla, its failing." A shock wave just passed between the two of us, I could almost touch it. I go on anyway.

"I think his valves malfunctioned and now the heart is deteriorating."

"How can that happen? He was fine. He didn't show any symptoms, and he's so young."

"The degeneration doesn't always follow symptoms. Although I can bet my pay check that there were some symptoms but the little bugger ignored them. Right now, I need you to get that cardiologist here right now. We need to discuss our options."

It's like she was suddenly jolted awake, maybe it's the urgency in my voice that did it. In the main time, I have to go see Kelso.

…………………….

I don't think I was out for very long, which is a shame because I'm not particularly glad to be awake. My chest hurt a bit, not as much as before, and I've got an IV line going. I wonder who my nurse is. I bet its Carla, although I hope its hot nurse Paige Norris. Maybe I can convince her to give me a sponge bath. Aside from that possible opportunity, everything else looks pretty bleak. I've only been up a few seconds and I already feel like I need to get out of this bed. It's just not natural; I'm always the one walking around doing stuff. I don't lie in bed, waiting for things to happen.

I don't have to wait long though, out of nowhere, the ceiling I was staring at disappears and there is a very large brown bald head staring at me.

"He man, you're scaring me."

"Turk. Whets going on?" I try and smile but my lips seem cracked. Come to think of it, my throat really feels dry.

"You passed out at the nurse station, they took you in for a cardio exam and now we're waiting in on the result. In the main time you've been hooked onto an IV and a bunch of drugs to keep the pain on the DL."

That's pretty much what I had expected. It doesn't seem like I'm having a heart attack right now, or I probably wouldn't be having this conversation, so I'm not too worried yet. I should be though, but oddly I don't really want to discuss this anymore.

"So did I miss anything?" It's probably only been about an hour or two but I Can't come up with anything better to break the tension. Turk's bald head looks even rounder from this angle.

"Yes, the janitor is going on a rampage torturing anyone who comes within fifty feet. I think you scared him. You scared me too." Turk looks so sad right now, I think I really did freak him out. I should feel guilty but the only thing that comes to my head is…

"The Janitor actually cares? I can't believe it." It's a nice feeling, I knew that his huge scary being was only supported by evil genius; he does have a big old heart. Always good to know.

"Yea well you'll be surprised how many people do." I clear my throat a bit, my voice sounds hoarse and scratchy. Immediately, a glass appears in front of my lips. Gently Turk takes a hold of the back of my head to help me lean forward and take a much needed drink.

"How's the…you know…chest pain." This is so uncomfortable; it's um-real to have a doctor-patient dynamic with your best friend. We've done it before but it hasn't gotten easier.

"Not too bad, I'll live." At least I think I will.

"Where's Elliot?"

"She's outside. She's a bit frantic right now; you don't want to see her right now trust me." I can almost imagine her running around yell Frick at random people. Or maybe she's ranting about people not giving her enough respect in a really squeaky voice, that's always funny to see. I wonder why she's freaking out though.

"Is she ok?"

"Yea, she's just…wacking out a bit. She'll be fine."

"Are you ok?" He's figiting with my IV, how much sugar did he have this morning.

"Yea, I'm just nervous. But you know me. There's nothing to be nervous about though. You're gonna be fine dude, trust me." The funny thing is, he wasn't really talking to me, he was talking to himself.

Suddenly the door opens and Dr Cox and Carla walk in. From the moment they walk in, I can tell that something is wrong. I work with these people all the time; I've given bad news with them tons of time. Carla's expression becomes soft and he bites back her lip a lot. Dr Cox puts up his stone face, even though his eyes are yelling that he just wishes things were better. Right now, both my friends and collogues have their "I'm sorry" faces on. I'm not going to like what I hear. I have to prepare myself, to not break down or freak out. Whatever happens, will be ok. I tell myself that a few times before putting my own "It's ok" face on.

All this would have been much easier if we had those bad news robots. Having this conversation with real people sucks a whole lot if you're on this side of the room. Only, I think I'll have my bad news robot look like Pamela Anderson.

_Imagines his hospital bed in the middle of the beach, with Pamela Running tawards him in her red Baywatch swimming costume. Reaching him, in slow motion she gently kisses him on the cheek. "JD, you're dying. But don't worry. We'll have hot passionate sex one last time to make up for a life time." _

"_I'm cool with that" Says JD before he pounces on her, and the both make out in the sand. _

I like it when sand sticks to my tummy. Anyway, I need to smoothen things out for my friends like I always hope my patients do when I have to say something difficult.

"Hey guys!" I say with a smile. I know it looks a bit fake, but its ok, we all know whatever comes next has to be dealt with, with some lightness or else all hell will break loose, for me at least.

"Bambi, how you feeling?" Carla asks as she comes to stand next to me. She puts a motherly hand on my forehead, before brushing her fingers through my hair. Calm washes over me through that gesture. I feel like I'm floating for just a second.

"I'm Bueno (good)." See Carla I was paying attention to your Spanish lessons the other day. She smiles at my pathetic attempt at lightening the mood, but it's a watery smile, like she's about to reach breaking point. I shouldn't push it. Whatever this is is bad and I don't want to make it more uncomfortable.

I look towards Dr. Cox who still hasn't said anything. He looks so meek, I wish I could get him to look like that more often during my shifts; maybe I'd be able to intimidate him for a change. Only, he looks so small and tame that it seems like he's a different person all together. I'm not sure I like it. In fact, I pretty sure I don't.

A silence has fallen in the room and its beginning to unnerve me. The tension is so think you could chain saw through it.

"Ok, whatever it is, just tell me. It's ok. Dr Cox, its ok, just tells me."

"Newbie…JD…" I forgot that he actually does know my name; it's so weird when he uses it. I feel like looking over my shoulder to check if he's talking to someone else. Normally I'd be thrilled but it's obvious, he only uses my name when things are dead serious. I probably shouldn't use the word "dead" in any context in case I jinx myself, but something tells me that it won't matter if I did.

Dr Cox is really freaking me out now, he's can't seem to get his words out right and I can tell that he's trying and it's just not working. All of a sudden, he turns around and walks out of the room. I'm so stunned I don't know what to say. Then just s suddenly as he left, he comes back, takes in a huge breath and shoots off his mouth.

"Nancy..."

"Perry…" Carla says her voce breaking. He nods at her before continuing.

"OK, you had a valve malfunction on both you left and right side of the heart and now its beginning to degenerate. So in other words, your heart is failing and because we didn't catch it sooner, its now pretty serious."

"Ok." I say softly. Its weird, you expect your whole world to fall apart at the thought of possible death but sometimes, when you've dealt with it enough times, you become numb to the idea. I guess I've every time I tried to put myself in my dying patient's shoes; I entertained the idea of death so much that it became very real for me. I mean, I imagined myself in this position so many times, that now after thinking that I would freak out, I feeling calm instead. I don't know how to explain that, it's just strange.

"So, what now?" I ask. I don't know why I'm speaking so softy, it just seems appropriate.

"I discussed our options with Dr Logan; he'll be here to talk to you in a minute. The only way to go is transplant at the moment; medication won't do us much good. I'm putting you on the donor list; Kelso has signed off on it."

"If I don't get a transplant, how long before game time?" I need to know, I feel like a time line might gelp things sink in easier if all goes downhill.

"Look Pricilla, there's no point in thinking about that right now, you just wrap your pig tails around this concept right now, we'll get a donor and you'll be back to work in no time, slaving under Kelso's Napoleonic regime like you always do. I'll go back to being the narcissistic bastard who goal is to break your spirit like I always do and this whole hospital will go back to being a dump like it always is. There are no if, no buts, and no other options. We don't want to go there, we don't want to think about them and we are going to be ok."

"Perry…How long." I ask, with a little bit of force, but at the same time I guess I'm reassuring him that I can handle it.

"Two weeks, give or take."

Oh crap.

**A/N Thanks for reading. Please review and stay tuned if you like it. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed, put the sorty on alert and on fav lists. Sorry it took so long to update. I hope you like this chapter. Please review if you did, its very encouraging. **

I have to two weeks to live. I keep repeating that in my head but it's still not setting in. I feel like this heavy weight is pushing down on my heart, figuratively speaking. Speaking of my heart, who would have thought I would die of heart failure. That kind of stuff happens to other people, usually old or extremely young. I've mourned really great patients who I've lost because of it. I guess I never thought I'd die from something I work so hard to prevent on a day to day basis. There's still hope left though. I could still find a donor in that time. I don't think it'll happen though; I don't want myself to fall for that. I mean that will probably be the biggest bummer ever if we don't find one.

_Janitor comes around." Hey JD we found you a donor."_

"_What? I'm going to be okay? That's amazing. I feel alive again! ALIVE this is the best day of my life. I'm gonna go travel the world and find myself a beautiful wife across the ocean, settle down and live happily ever after. Just like the movies!" Gets up from bed and does the happy dance. _

_Then Janitor smiles mischievously. "Nah I was only kidding. You're still dying." _

"_Noooooooooo" Dies of a heart attack. _

_Janitor raises him arms in triumph towards the rest of the sacred heart staff and patiends standing outside the door, all of whom cheer.  
"Told you I could get rid of him a week early." He says, snatching a $50 for Dr. Cox. _

Yes, that would be a huge bummer. So I'm trying not to think about it. I want to prepare myself for the worst, just incase the donor bit doesn't fall through. Still, I'm not sure things have set in for me. Am I supposed to still be thinking about random stuff like what's going on in Heroes, or why they don't make pockets in girl pants? I should probably be thinking about life changing decisions, what I'll miss, the people I'm leaving behind, but all I get is…everything will fall in place on its own. I don't know, in life there aren't too many things that I seriously regret. I don't think if this is the end that I need to worry about an unfulfilled life. I mean given the time frame I'm working with, I did okay. I became a doctor, something I am so proud of that I sometimes wonder if it's happening. In fact, becoming a doctor brought me all the other wonderful things in my life. Like meeting Carla, Elliot, Dr. Cox, Jordan, Izzie, Jack and yes even the Janitor. These people have made my life so great, that I don't really feel like I missed out on much. I know I didn't really get to start my own family in the traditional sense, but in a weird way, I sort of have, with these people. It's not like I didn't get to fall in love either. At this point in my life, I can admit that I love Elliot. I probably won't tell her that now, because that's just cruel. Not only is she with Keith, she'll feel horrible, given my condition. I'm just glad I got to realize that I was in love with her the whole time. I'm not ecstatic about things not working out between us, or about not ever getting the chance to tell her again, but I think that's for the best. I'm not sure I handled the two chances I had with her that well. So the bottom line is…I'm feeling resolved right now. I'm not ready to die though. I don't know if that even makes sense, all I know is that I want to live and I'll fight till my last breath for a chance but if I don't, and fate has other plans, then I'm okay with that. Although, I'm saying that now, who knows what I'll be thinking when the time actually comes.

Right now, I have to weeks to live, and I want to live during that time, instead of dying every day for two weeks. Only problem is, how do you do that while you're sitting in a bed, too tired to move your pinky finger?

Its times like these when you can count on your best friend.

"Hey JD, look what I got." An eclectic mobility chair! I love those! It's like having a golf cart in the hospital.

"Sweet ride." I can't believe how enthusiastic I sound right now, given the circumstances. People must think I'm crazy. But getting all depressed and boring is not my style, not when there isn't enough time to waste. If I have two weeks to live, I've decided that I'm going to make them count.

"Yea I figured you might need a little something to cheer you up."

"Thanks C-Bear!" I say, as I excitedly try and get off from my bed. Immediately I regret it, as sudden pain erupts in my chest. Just as I think I might pass out, I feel a gentle hand on my back. "Give it a minute dude. Take things slowly, we don't wanna make things worse." I nod at the sensibility of that advise. I'm not sure this is a good idea, but I'm not attached to an IV right now, so I guess moving around won't kill me. Besides, I need this; I need to get out of this freaking room. I've been lying in bed or getting tests done for the past two days. This is not how I should be spending my time.

Slowly, Turks helps me get off my bed and onto the mobility chair. We wait for a few moments for the dizziness to subdue, before we make our way out. Our first destination is the nurse's station. "Hey Bambi!" Carla comes and hugs me. For a few minutes she's reluctant to let go, but I pat her on the back. This must suck for her, she's the biggest mother hen I ever met and I'm her Bambi. Not to brag or anything but she loves mothering my more than most people, probably because I'm as needy as she is maternal. I love hugzies though.

When she pulls apart, she's all teary eyed again. This has happened a couple of times already. She can't come near me without crying. It's really uncomfortable. The thing is, if we were both crying, I'd feel ok, but I feel so numb about the whole thing, that I don't know how to react to her. Should I console her, even though I'm the one possibly dying? I'm sure there is a whole etiquette to all this, I need to find that "What to Do When Dying" handbook. They should make one of those, I mean we all die, how come no ones made money off of that? Nah, it'll be too depressing, plus there will be no sequels because the people who bought volume one will probably be dead. Anyway, the only way to handle this is…

"What you guys, no get well soon presents?" I know, I should be more serious about this but it's just too hard right now.

"Jesus says patience is a virtue Q tip." Ah, a Jesus quote from Laverne, a little piece of normalcy came back to me. Of course, the fact that she came over, gave me a hug and a bouquet of flowers helped a lot in lightening my spirits too.

"Thanks Laverne, and tell Jesus I said thank you for the Bouquet."

"Don't you worry honey, he heard, he and I are talking about you enough already." Aw, that's so sweet. I love Laverne's sweet side. Actually, that's the good thing about getting sick; you really get to see the extra-nice side of people. Like they say, tragedy always brings loved ones together. I'm not sure I want to be the lynch pin in this tragedy, but a guy can at least enjoy the small favors if nothing else.

"And Bambi, We have something else for you. This is from the whole of Sacred Heart." Saying this, Carla going behind the count and then comes back with something behind her back. Coming close to me, she gives me a kiss on my forehead before putting something in my lap.

It's a neatly wrapped package silver package with a blue bow on it. As I gingerly open it, trying not to ruin the beautiful wrapping paper, I find a turquoise and green scrapbook with a family shot of the entire sacred heart staff on the cover. Underneath the picture, is pink lettering it says "Get well soon JD because…"

This a lone touches my profoundly, but as I go through the scrapbook, I find pictures of me with my surrogate family and messages from each of them tell me how much they love, respect and care about me. There's one of me Carla and Izzie and it says "I love you uncle JD." In block letters. There a whole page written by Turk. There's a picture with JD and Dr. Cox sitting in the bar but there's nothing written below it except for a signature. I bet Carla threatened him to do it. There's also one with Jordan and Jack. Jordan's message makes me laugh internally. "Look DJ, you need to stop scaring me like that, if you want to have sympathy sex, just ask. I'll do it just to get a kick out of seeing Perry's face go red with fury. Just get better ok?" That's so Jordan. I don't read through the rest of them, vowing to do so in private, but whatever I saw, made my heart soar with love.

"Thank you so much you guys." I saying, giving a hug to both Turk and Carla.

"It wasn't just us, everyone helped out. We're all with you JD. You'll be ok."

"I know. And I already am." I say, waving this in front of Carla. I mean it too, the scrapbook reminded me of all the good things in my life, and how much my friends actually care. It'll be hard to let all of that go, if it comes to it.

"Where are Elliot and Dr. Cox?"

"Elliot, no clue, Dr. Cox is doing his rounds though."

I think I can guess where Elliot is. She's been avoiding me ever since I passed out. I mean, it's not that hard if I'm lying in bed the whole time, all she had to do was not visit. Now that I'm up and about, I think I should talk to her. She can't just not see me till I get better, or not. So, I stick around the nurse station for a few minutes, talking to the gang, before I head to the closest supply closet. Elliot and I shared that closet a couple of times, hiding from different things, good times. Reaching it, I can't figure out how to get in. This mobility chair thing was new to me, I feel like just getting up and going in, but I'd probably just pass out on Elliot in the process. That'll be a great way to get her to open up…not. I finally just decided to knock. There's no answer, but I know she is in there because I hear a couple of things fall. Maybe she even whispered a "Frick" but I could be imagining that.

"Elliot?" No answer.

"Elliot, can you let me in. I look like an idiot sitting out here, talking through the door."

Finally, the door opens and Elliot with her disheveled hair, bloodshot eyes and teary cheeks, pops her head out. "JD? What are you doing out of bed?"

"Turk let me take a joy ride on this baby for an hour. Can I come in?"

"I don't think we'll fit."

"Then let's go get some air." She looks like she was about to refuse but I don't let her.

"Elliot, please we need to talk. Just five minutes."

"Ok." She looks so meek and small right now. I just want to take her in my arms and make out with her in this very supply closet. But, of course, things are way too complicated for that now. So instead, I just reach out for her hand and give it a little squeeze. Then we both make our way to the nearest exit.

Sitting outdoors is a bit shocking to my body. Getting fresh air seems to have resurrected my tired and abused body. For the first time in a little while, I feel alive. Only thing is, when I look into Elliot's eyes, all I see is death. That look has to go, I can't deal with it, and neither should she.

"So…" I begin awkwardly "How're things?" How lame can I be? Of course things suck, are you blind? Look at her.

"JD, I'm sorry I've been avoiding you. I just…"

"It's ok. "

"No, its not, I just…I…can't."

"Elliot. Its ok, you're scared. I know. But we're both doctors, this should be easier for us."

"But it's not JD. This isn't just some patient. No matter how much I've cared about other patients in the past, this isn't the same thing at all. This is you! For god sake I can't even begin to think about how horrible this is for you. I've been so selfish: thinking about how hard it is for me to even consider losing you."

"It is hard, I won't deny that. The important thing is that there is time. If I had all the time in the world, I'd go crazy thinking about dying, missing out, losing things. But the thing is, there isn't that much time for me to do that. I want to spend this time with you. I want to live for the next few days. That's why; you need to stop killing me one day at a time. If we don't get that donor, we have only a few days to be with each other. Can I count on you to be there? I know it's hard, but I need you."

"I don't know if I can. I can't lose you." More tears are running down her cheeks now.

"Then don't. Keep me for the next few days. Let me have my friend."

"How can you be so calm about all this? Aren't you scared out of your mind?"

"I am, I mean who wouldn't be. But I can't change things because I'm scared. Plus, I've had a good life, and I want to do whatever I can to make it a good death, if that's what it's gonna be. Could haves and should haves aren't in the picture, that makes it easier I guess. I want to keep it that way."

I think that last part hit home. She has her determined face on. I love it when she becomes all strong and composed. It's so hot.

"You're right. I need to be strong. This isn't about me, its you. And if you need me to be there for you, then that's what you'll get." Then she gives me a light kiss on the cheek. "Just promise me one thing JD. You'll do everything you can to fight this. You have to. I can't live without you."

"I can't live without you either." I say, before giving her a kiss of my own, on her puffy cheek. "And I promise I'll fight." With that we both smile a little. The look in her eyes is so intense that it sends shockwaves through my body. She loves me too…

"Lets get you back inside now." She says, before helping turning towards the door. I'm so shocked that I don't even respond, just let her lead.

As I settle into bed again. I think about our conversation. I want to live up to that promise more than anything. Seeing Elliot has brought in me this fierce will to live. At the same time, I'm beginning to fear death a lot more. I guess I would have proffered the numbness but maybe fear can make people stronger. I want to live so that some day, I can tell Elliot that I really do love her, in as many ways that love ever existed. I want to reassure her that I won't change my mind ever again, that I'm not backing out because I'm commit-e-phobic. Some day when Elliot isn't seeing Keith. I know it's possible because today, I saw in Elliot's eyes, that love that's only reserved for me. She's never looked at anyone that way but me. She does love me too, and I don't want to be the one to inflict agony of having her love die on her. I can't believe it; I'm realizing that we are each other's soul mates after finding out that I might be dying. How disturbed is God, to write such horrible screenplay? No, God is supposed to be great, as per Laverne. I'm going to be ok, and if I'm not, I'm going to find a way for thing to be ok anyway.

**Thanks for reading. Don't forget to review if you want me to continue. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey guys there is the next installment. Hope you like it please review if you did. **

Carla's Pov.

The last couple of days have been hard on everyone. I can't stop crying, Turk hasn't slept for more than five minutes each night, Elliot spends most of her time in the supply closet, the Janitor keeps mopping the same spot all day and all the interns walk around lost and confused all the time. All this because the one man who can make it all better is lying in bed, close to death and there's nothing any of us can do about it. I never even realized what an impact my little Bambi has made on everyone. I mean, I've been working here almost all my life now, and nothing has put such a cloud over the work place like JD being sick. It's not surprising though. From the day he walked in, something was different about this place. I found someone to care for, Laverne got someone to gossip with or about, Elliot found a friend and sometimes a boyfriend, Janitor found someone to torture and most of all Dr Cox found a protégé. Not to mention, many of the patients found an extremely caring Doctor. I've been talking to all of his patients and they keep asking about their Doctor Dorian. I mean, the girls all find him adorable, the kids think he's cool and the elder patients find him understanding. That's because he never did just want to treat illnesses, he wanted to help people. You'd think that's such a cliché and that all doctors claim to feel that way, but JD was the first one in a long time to stick to what he believed, and he made other people believe it too. Even someone as hard edged as Perry started to follow in his footsteps. I couldn't get him to soften up in all those years and JD did it so quickly. That day, when Perry started reading lines with one of his patients, it was all over the gossip mill. I was so proud of JD, he's helped two doctors that day, Turk and Perry. He always did stuff like that, always went the extra mile with not just his patients but his friends too. Its strange, JD inspires so many people around him, but he has no idea about it. His interns are always talking about what a wondersul teach he is and how he helps them even when he's swamped with work. Always concentrated too much on being a student to ever realize how great a teacher he really was. Oh look at me; I'm already talking in past tense, like he's already gone. Well he's not done and he damn well won't go anywhere if Carla Espinoza Turk has anything to say about it. We're family danmit; this is not gonna happen to us. I can't handle Turk without JD, I'll kill myself. Or better yet I'll kill him. Besides, he's my Izzie's Godfather, he's supposed to watch her grow like he always promises her. I need to go shove some pep talk down Kelso's throat, make him bump JD up the donor list. I'm sure this has already been done to death by all the other staff members but I'm nothing if not persuasive.

I'm about to do just that when I hear a loud banging noise from the wall behind the nurse station. Walking around, I realize that it's Dr Cox repeatedly smashing a chart against the wall.

"Perry?"

"Damnit Carla I can't do this."

"What are you talking about?"

"This..." points to Mr. Patella's room. "Never...Ne-he-ver in my life have I doubted for a second about the kind of doctor I am. Because by god I was the best this shit hole of a place ever had. And I knew it. I know that I don't show it all the time but I cared about each and every one of my patients. I worked my sad but pretty little butt off so that every one of my patients had a fighting chance to live and go back to their pathetic lives. But you know what; I can't say that about myself anymore. You know why. Because all of a sudden, these patients have become potential donors to me. All I can think of is, if this guy dies, Newbie can get his heart. If that girl goes into a coma and never wakes up, God dammed Angela can have a chance to live. So there it is Nurse Carla Espinoza, I can't even disconnect my personal feelings to actually do my job. There you have it; I've officially lost my mind." Oh poor Perry. He's mad at himself for caring too much. I can understand, lately, that's all I think about too.

"Perry listens to me. Stop beating yourself up because you care."

"I DON'T CARE. Why should I care about an annoying little girl like him? I…"

"Just stop ok. Who're you kidding? I've known you for over 14 years now; you think I didn't know from the very beginning that you were so proud of him that it scared you? That you always stayed a bit later than you should have to make sure he did ok? You think no one noticed that you actually bothered to listen to him when you cared two hoots about most other people's opinion. Just admit it, you care. It's ok to care."

"I can't Carla; I can't care and be the Doctor right now."

"Are you killing people Perry?"

"What? Why the hell would I do that?"

"Exactly, you can't stop being a doctor if you tried. You're worried about JD. That's normal. I can't even go into any coma patient's room without thinking about JD. I don't want these people to die; I just want my friend to live. It doesn't mean I'm going to kill someone to do it. But I'm not gonna sit here and beat myself up over wanting my friend to live. And neither should you."

"I don't know what to do. Ya know, that systematically pushing people away thing worked for me. I didn't care, and life didn't suck so much. God dammed Newbie has to push and push and irritate and bug the living Jesus out of me, all so that he can get some strange pleasure out of being a part of my life. And what good did that get him huh? I yell at him every single day of his working career, squash his self esteem, berate him, make fun of him, call him girls names and then when I'm finally ready to accept him as….something…I get him sick."

"What…"

"Oh no…don't try to rationalize this one, this is Ben all over again and you know it. This is why he was supposed to stay the hell away in the first place. He was supposed to live in magic kingdom with all the pretty ponies, puppies and Disney characters. Not get his heart ripped out on a daily basis and then have it entirely fail on him. This is old Perry Pare Pare's personal nightmare and I sucked him right into it. People who get close to me suffer Carla. That's how its always been and that's what's happening now."

I can't listen to any of this nonsense anymore. Quietly, I pull Perry to the side, where no one can see us, and give him a tight hug. When he finally stop trying to pull away, he rests his curly head my shoulder and lets me rub his back like my mother used to.

"Shhhh…its ok." I whisper softly. We just stand there for a while, until he calms down a bit. Then slowly pulling away. He nods.

"Thank you." There is still so much pain in his eyes, but he seems a lot more 'together' now.

"You ok?" I ask, in my typical motherly voice.

"Yea, I should get back to work." With that, he takes his leave and goes back to his patients.

I just stand there, watching him leave for a few minutes. I didn't realize how hard Perry was taking this. I'm just so used to his detached exterior that I sometimes forget that big old golden heart behind all the yelling, screaming and ranting. It makes sense though. Any idiot can see that JD is as much as son to him as he is a father to JD. I know he won't ever admit it, but there is love, pride and fear there, that only a father can have for a son. He's as good a mentor and JD wanted him to be. I wish he'd get the courage to tell JD that though, it would mean the world to him.

With these thoughts in my head, I make my way to Dr Kelso's office. Although, I don't have to go far because he is walking right towards me.

"Nurse Turkleton! I was just looking for you. How's our sport doing?"

"Not so great sir. We need a donor really soon. Actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"I know, the whole hospital seems to be on my case about it. I'm not a magician dammit. All I have is Ted's heart. See if you can convince him to donate. Maybe all the cuing in the corner will finally stop. What do you say Ted? That's a better way to commit suicide than you normally do."

"I resent that." Came Ted's meek voice from behind Dr Kelso. Poor guy, I don't know ho he takes all that abuse.

"Dr. Kelso, first of all, stop harassing Ted, secondly, Put JD as top priority on that list if you can."

"Nurse Turkleton, what makes young Dorian any more important than any other medically insured patient? Are you asking me to play God?"

"No, I'm asking you to make a professional choice. His needs is more severe because it's urgent, and he's a doctor in this hospital. You save him once, he saves countless lives every day. And if you really want to talk business, he's saving you the trouble of hiring and training more doctors, because god knows, you'll have to find someone darn good to make up for JD's loss."

"I don't have time for this right now. I was looking for you because I need you to send in a pretty face down to room ten, there's a board member in there that might need some extra TLC. Tell Dr Dor…tell someone to get in there now and defuse a possible hostile situation. If you need me, I'm not here." With that, he left me hanging. But I could tell that it was nothing I said but his own realization that he too had come to depend on JD's caring nature just like the rest of us. He's gonna bump JD up that donor's list for sure.

……………………

JD

If anyone knows anything about suffering, it's me. Not because I'm lying in bed, sweating from the effort of turning onto my side, not because I might possible die, not even because I'm really bored but because the Janitor is driving me crazy! He's been mopping on that same exact spot right outside my window for the past four hours, and he keeps staring at me. The worst part is, I don't know if he's planning to torture me or cry on my shoulder. He sure is working up the momentum to do something, but I swear to god if he "almost" comes into my room and then goes back out one more time, I'm just gonna jump out of bed and yell at him no matter what happens next. I mean, every time he turns this way and starts walking, I feel the anticipation in my body, I prepare myself and then he goes back to mopping again. I'm getting a cardio work out right here. Besides, six years of drilling fear into me has done its work, I can never trust the Janitor, and this is probably his plan all along. Get me all worked up and then do nothing. He's such an evil genius, if I weren't the victim I'd probably be congratulating him. Why sir, why do you torture a man so…annoyingly. If I have to be fair, he probably doesn't know how to handle himself around me. I mean do you tease a guy like you've always done, do you tell him that you're sorry after years and years of relentless torture, do you make friends with him finally or carry your threat to torture him till his dying breath. It must all be confusing. I don't know what would suck more, to have him irritate me when I already feel like crap, or to have him be nice and confirm the fear that I truly am dying. I mean there is just no other way the Janitor will ever be nice to me unless he's sure of the fact. If it helps, we're all dying eventually Janitor, why don't you be nicer in normal circumstances? I'm getting ahead of myself, he hasn't even tried to do anything yet. I can't be sure of his motive. There's only one way to settle this.

"Janitor, can you come in here for a minute?" I say, loud enough that he can hear me, but not so much that it's a yell.

"Yea, what do you want?" He's talking as if he just happened to be there and that I was disturbing him, Oh Pa-lease!

"Look whatever you have planned for me in that square head of yours. Just do it and go back to your job ok. I can't take it anymore."

"What're you talking about." Great, now he's making me look like an idiot. Wonderful!

"You know what I'm talking about. You've been standing outside my room for the past four hours."

"I'm a janitor Dorian. Incase you forgot. I stand around a lot, what's your point? Something wrong with that? Are you trying to make me feel insignificant Doctor Boy…"

"Janitor! Please, just stop playing mind games ok, I'm tired; I can't keep up with you today. I really don't feel like looking over my shoulder today, just in case you're after me again. Frankly, I don't even have the strength right now to move my neck, so whatever you want to do, just do it and leave me be." I sound so weak all of a sudden. God, just talking is tiring today. Not good.

"Listen, I wasn't playing mind games." He seems to go al solemn on me. Oh no, this is going to get serious. I know I'm a sensi, but I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

"I've standing outside because…I'mkeeepingwatch."

"What?" I'm steeling broth?

"I'm keeping watch outside your door OK. I keep thinking that I'll be somewhere else and you'll need someone and no one will be there, so I'm keeping watch. There are you happy now?"

Aw that is so sweet. The janitor does care. This isn't so bad, I can take this. In fact I've never been happier. Finally, I've managed to make the Janitor my friend, even though he'll probably never admit that part.

"Thanks. I'm ok though. You don't have to." I love that he care so much, but Kelso will give him hell for not doing his job.

"I know…I just have to ok." I can't argue with that logic. It looks like he's having a touch time with this.

"If you're gonna be cleaning that one spot out there that's probably the cleanest it's ever been, you might as well keep me company."

"I could do that. But don't expect me to be nice to you."

"I would never dream of it." Yes I would, in fact I have many times. You played catch with me in the parking lot.

"Wanna watch TV?"

"I thought it wasn't working."

"Of course its working. You should know me better than that. Why would I unhook a TV that was actually not working, especially for you."

"Of course. What was I thinking?" He made me miss heroes last night! I'm going to kill him!

"Anyway, I think the rerun from Gilmore Girls is on." Ok maybe I won't

"How'd you know I like that show?"

"Dorian come on. I know everything about you. You know that. I even know about your secret dream about becoming a pole dancer." How does he do that? No one knows about that. Oh well, at least we're bonding. This is good. Everything is looking up already. All I need is a donor and my life will be perfect again.

……………………

Things aren't looking so good anymore. It's been 6 days since my collapse, I've been hooked to every machine, gone through every test and seen by every doctor possible and nothing seems to have come out of it. There is no donor yet and I'm still on my way to kingdom come. My friends have become extremely depressing. Doctor Cox hasn't spoken to me in a while but when I do see him, he's yelling and screaming at someone. Carla and Elliot bursts into tears regularly, Janitor still keeps watch outside my room all the time and Turk is in complete denial. Actually hanging out with Turk is the easiest, even though he's a bit to chipper, at least he's not constantly reminding me that I'm dying.

Even so, m plan to "live it up" isn't really working since I feel like crap and have basically been practicing the art of lying horizontal for the past 6 days. So, I've decided that I need to become a bit more practical in my approach. I have to set my affairs in order. That's why I've called Ted over to write my will. Only thing is, Ted's already an emotional wreck in life, this is going to be an excruciating process. More for me than him, he whines a lot when he's depressed.

"Ok Ted, I want all the money in my back account to be transferred to the care of Chris Turk, as guardian for Isabella Turk."

"Awe JD that is so beautiful. I wish I had a best friend. Or a friend even. I hate my life." Sometimes I wonder how Ted got to the age he is without committing suicide. Or without making someone else want to in the least.

"That's not true Ted, we're all your friends." Well it's true, he's part of the family, even though he's not the greatest pep talker in the world. We sill love him and his sad ways.

"Awe that's really sweet JD. I wish you weren't the one writing this will."

"Yea…Anyway moving on. I want all to give Dr Cox my scooter, Elliot should get my Grandma's necklace and my apartment with everything in it. Turk should also keep Rowdy and my white pony."

"Anything else?"

"Oh yea and give the janitor all my journals. I finally figured out how he knew everything about me."

"How?"

"Never mind."

"Ok. Well, I'm going to go and get this documented. If you want to add or change anything else. Let me know."

"Thanks Ted."

"No thank you. Finally someone needs me for something other than suing people." I smile at that. Ted's got this way of saying things that's so funny but you're never sure if he's serious of joking. Gotta love him for that.

Now that I'm all alone, it starting to hit me. I just wrote my will. This is really happening. It's so surreal. I feel like I'm watching myself on TV, and the character who plays me is dying. I feel sad for him, for the things he's leaving behind, but I don't really connect with him. Maybe because I still haven't let go of hope, even after facing the facts. I still want to fight till my dying breath. I have a good life, and I'm not giving it up without a fight. Not when I have a happy future to look forward to, with my friends, with Elliot. I'm not giving up. Not now, not ever.

**A/N Next chapter is going to be about JD getting to go home for the night with the gang. Tell what you thought of this chapter in your review, and I'll try and post that up quickly.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Hey guys. Here's the next chapter. I hope its ok. I know there are tons of mistakes but I'm too tired to fix them now. Do review if you're still reading and want it to continue. **

Nothing has changed particularly in the past few days, aside from my continuing downhill spiral towards death. No heart, no life and nothing much to really talk about. Today though, is going to be something special. I've managed to convince Dr. Cox to let me go home with Turk and Carla for the night. I dished out all my reserve of puppy faced emotional blackmail, falling only slightly short of saying "it could be the last time I get to go home." It's not far from the truth but judging by the stone faced, barely restrained hysteria that was the personification of Dr Cox these days, I'd lay my own death bed by actually vocalizing those thoughts. Plus it's just really cruel to hold that over someone else's head, especially Dr. Cox.

He's been the most unnerving of all the people around me. He can't seem to form proper sentences around me unless we're talking about medical stuff. Aside from that, he just stands there, rocking back on forth on the balls of his feet, hugging his chart, but saying absolutely nothing. Then he suddenly turns around and mumble something like "I can't do this" and storms off. I'm proud to say I have nothing to do with this behavior. At least not anything I actually did. If he's mad or upset, it's all in his head. I can't say I know what it is. Sometimes I think he's upset about my condition, that he feels helpless or for some reason guilty. I know I would feel that way, but I have to remind myself that he isn't me. He doesn't see me as I see him. I know I always want him to care about me and that sometimes just by wanting, I make myself believe that he does. But lets be fair to him, he doesn't have to, just because I want him to care.

Maybe it's a good thing if he doesn't care. He doesn't handle bad news well at the best of times, and this is hardly the best of times. I know I'm not Ben, but if he cared about me an ounce as much as he cared for Ben, then he'll be a smidge of an emotional wreck at least. I don't want that to happen. I want people to be happy, I always have. I'm the tension breaker, the goofy guy who does silly things to make people laugh. I don't want to be remembered as the guy who cast a dark shadow in someone's life by abandoning them. Of course, in this case it won't really be a shadow, more like expanding the black hole that is Dr Cox. That's still giving me too much credit, but I don't really know a good metaphor to explain how insignificant and yet still upsetting, my dying could potentially be for Dr Cox. I guess there is a paradox in there somewhere just waiting to be discovered, but that's the kind of relationship I have with Dr. Cox, filled with contradictions.

Anyways, I don't know how to be around him because apparently no matter what I say, he gives me the impression that I'm talking to a statue that starts blubbering incoherently before finally bolting. Hmm, for some reason that makes me think of a JD memorial statue being built in front of Sacred Heard that yells "Hug me." to everyone who passes by. I'd like that. Maybe I should suggest it to someone. How would they make it talk though? Oh It'd probably be like those dinosaur robots that move around and make noises in museums. I love those!

Anyhow, the point is that because Dr. Cox is so uncomfortable, it's pretty easy to get whatever I want because arguing actually means he'll have to talk to me. I like this side of him. I really wish it was like this during my shifts. Life would be so grand. I keep thinking about my shifts, but I'm not even sure I'll ever get to work again. That's actually the scariest thing of all. Not being Dr Dorian. I don't think my occupation will matter much if I'm dead but the loss of my work makes me sad. I love my patients, interns, collogues and the thrill of actually saving a life. I'll probably never do that again.

Wow, I'm glad I'm getting out of here. My thoughts keep getting more and more morbid as time goes by. Time…again something I'll mis…Dammit where's Turk. I'm going insane.

"JD you ready?"

"Like you'll never believe Chocolate Bear." I have such a sing song voice when I'm happy. The funny thing is, I am happy. It took all of one second for me to switch moods. I've been doing that a lot lately. It's sort of manic. I go from being totally depressed to hyperactive in a matter of seconds. It's mostly the difference between being alone or around people. I guess I'm happiest when people are around. That's me, the eternal party animal. Oh well, time to say _adios_ to really uncomfortable bed and _Olla_ to comfy couch! I really do love Turk and Carla's couch. I sleep better there than I do in my own bed at home.

"Hey man, I was thinking I'd sign us up for puppet making club. We can take Rowdy as our main character, and put up a show for the end of the month. What do you think?"

"Okay….sure that sounds like fun. Rowdy would love that." Okay then, this is weird. I know he's in total denial but now we're making plans for next month? Heck making plans for next week is going too far at this point. I need to talk to him about this…later. Maybe I should let Carla do that. I love having heart-to-hearts with him, but this is one topic I'm not sure I want to discuss.

"Yea and this year, on my birthday, we're so having a Star Wars themed party. And I'm gonna say shotgun for Darth Vader but if you really want it, you can have it."

"Nah, you can have him. I'll be Luke so you can say you're my father the whole night."

"Yea…who's your daddy!"

"You are sir Vader!" Wow, this is so awkward. Where's Carla when you need her.

"Hey Bambi." Ah there she is. Where's a heart when you need it. (Nothing). Oh well worth a try.

"Hey Carla. Are you coming home with us?"

"Yea my shift just got over. Elliot's coming over too, she'll be done in about an hour.'

"Oh that's great, we'll have a pa—arty! (sing song voice)."

"Yes we will. So you gonna get off that bed or what."

"Strangely no one ever tries to get me in bed. It's always out of it."

"Don't worry Bambi, once you're all better, I'll hook you up with a nice nurse."

"Well there's a way to motivate a guy."

And we continued to banter like this for a bit, while going through the tedious process of getting off the bed and into the wheel chair Turk had brought. I was sweating by the time we got out of the room, but no one said anything. We just continued to talk as though we were just getting off our shifts as usual. It felt good. For once I wasn't feeling like everything was changing. I guess denial can be a good thing. It takes away from the reality of the situation. Especially if that reality isn't something you want to deal with, even just for a little while.

Before we left, we stopped by the main lobby where all my interns were being briefed by Dr. Kelso, for something or other. As soon as we entered, all the interns turned towards me, completely ignoring Dr. Kelso.

"I guess gawking and Dr. Dorian over there is much more important than actually listening to the man who can stick all your sorry asses on night duty till kingdom come." Well, clearly Dr. Kelso hasn't changed in the past week.

"Take five people. And when you come back, I want all you pathetic little pip squeaks to pay attention or heads will roll faster than my wife's wheelchair hurtling down the staircase." Aw, Dr Kelso is a softie, and slightly disturbing.

"Dr D. How're you doing?" I can't remember the guy's name!

"Hey you!. I'm dong great." I'm such a liar. "How's about you guys? Jennie, how's your family doing?"

"Much better now, Thanks Dr. Dorian. We really miss you round here."

"Dr. Cox giving you guys a hard time?"

"Hard time is one way to put it. He's on an intern crusade is another way of saying it."

"Nah, don't worry guys. You just have to learn to get past all the yelling, ranting, grunting and screaming, and read the subtitles. He's a big softie underneath all that…stuff."

"And then there's Dr. Kelso. He never used to be this "pickie" about stuff when you were around. Now, he always seems to be around whenever we make mistakes." I'm just not going to tell them that I used to shelter them from Dr. Kelso by taking most of the blame whenever something was found. He knew I was doing it too, but he never seemed to call me on it. Kelso is a good guy, even though most people don't ever see that side of him.

"At least you're all trying to be more careful right. It's all about being better Doctors guys. All the shouting and scare tactics were so engrained in my brain that I atomically checked a gazillian times before doing something. Kept me on my toes."

"Well, I never thought I'd say this but it would be a lot less crazy around here if you came back."

"Thanks Keith. That's good to know." Oh man stop saying nice things, I'm supposed to envy you for having the love of my life.

"Alright JD, we gatta hit the road now."

"Okay guys, hang in there. It gets easier I promise."

I got a couple of hugs and a few handshakes from all my interns and some of the nursing staff before we left. It was nice. I felt more wanted today than I have in a long time. At least I know that I was doing something right. This job has given me a chance to be so many things: a student, a savior, a care giver and a teacher. Being a Doctor really does rock.

………………….

So, here we are, the four of us, sitting in the apartment like old times, just hanging out and watching TV. I'm curled up in a blanket on one side of the couch, with Elliot on the other, Turk is on the single chair and Izzie is sitting in Carla's lap on a stool near my head.

"Hey Carla can I hold her for a bit?"

"Oh thank God, my arms are killing me already."

I love holding Izzie. She has the smallest hands ever, and she usually just curls them around my neck and chest in the cutest way. Then there is her smile, its like she's starting at you in awe, but then she has some inside joke about it. I can so see her groing up to look little Turk, but prettier.

"Hello little Gherkin. What's cooking? I know you don't get that pun, but when you grow up, and finally get it, you're going to remember me as the funny uncle. Aren't you?" I was whispering that in Izzie's ear, but I guess Elliot heard me because she started to stroke my head with her chilly little hand. Then she leaned over and whispered in Izzie's ear. "Don't worry Izzie, Uncle JD is always going to be there, even when you become a teenager and want to kick his butt for calling you a gherkin in front of your boyfriend."

"Don't listen to her. I'm going to be such a cool uncle, you'll want to call me to all the parties. Won't you? Yes you will." I never really understood why people made funny faces in front of kids until I started spending so much time with Jack and Izzie. It's the easiest way to make them smile, just like now. "Say JD Izzie! Say JD"

"YaaD"

"Close enough. You're going to be sucha smarty pants, all the boys are gonna fall all over themselves to date you!." I said that part just a bit lourder to get a rise out of Turk who hadn't said much all night.

"My little girl ain't gonna to be dating no boys." Score!

" Turk! What are you going do to, turn her into a nun." I love it when Elliot does the 'you're so full of it' voice.

"Yes Elliot, that's exactly what she'll be. A good Christian nun who wears long robes and stays away from boys. And JD, you're so going to be on my side. None of that softie uncle nonsense."

"Yea, no spoiling my little girl Bambi."

"Oh please, you know I'll spoil her. I'm a spoiler. Its what I do best."

"Yea, you do spoil people. Hell you spoil your friends. I mean when we were roommates, you barely let me do any of the house work, and you play foot and toe games with me, loose every competition on purpose to make me feel better." I do not lose on purpose but I'm not going to burst that bubble.

"Yea, I noticed that when you lived with me too. I never had to do anything when I came home. My laundry was always done, floors were clean and you always had time to listen to me rant after a long day of work. I really missed that when you moved out."

"Actually I only did your laundry because I liked to go through your lingerie."

"JD!" There was a second of silence after which everyone burst out laughing. It was uncontrollable hysterical laughter, the kind where you're laughing so hard that you forget what the joke was. Just when you thought one person was going to stop, then the other started sniggering which just started the whole process all over again. Even Izzie was laughing and I'm pretty sure she had no idea what the joke was. We were laughing so hard that I was finding it difficult to stay rooted on the couch.

Then all of a sudden the sound of laughter changed a little bit and I realized that it was Turk of all people who started crying. Carla got up and ran to his side, taking him in her arms.

"its ok baby." She said quietly but then her voice cracked too and she started to cry right along with him. Then next thing I knew, we were all squichsed on the couch, crying our eyes out. That was the first time I expressed any real emotion about what was happening. I just wanted to be with my friends, hang out with till I grew old. I wanted to be Izzie's uncle for longer, be Elliot's husband, Carla's support and Turk's best friend for the rest of my life. I just wanted there to be a rest of my life. With all these things on my mind, we all sat there for a long time, crying, hugging, consoling and being consoled. It was as though letting go would mean that we'd be powerless to stop the future from ruining everything. Somehow, having each other, embracing each other meant that we'd be able to freeze time, and that I wouldn't be able to leave, if that's what was in store.

Then finally, the loudest of our sobbing pack was Izzie and she had to be put to bed. That was cue for the rest of us to separate. But it didn't last long. We all migrated into Turk and Carla's room after putting Izzie to bed. It was decided that I wasn't allowed to sleep on the couch because Carla forbid it, and I wasn't willing to take over their bed and kick them both out. So instead, we just decided that we'd put up mattresses in the room and have a slumber party. Elliot and I took the mattress on the floor and Turk and Carla too the bed. I was bundled up in so many blankets that I could barely feel Elliot's arm across my chest. Turk and Carla were both right above our heads, facing the headboard instead of the other way around. I guess they just needed to be closer to us. I can't rationalize this weird insecurity we were all having, but it was nice to know that I wasn't the only one. That being said, I really couldn't handle all the melodrama anymore. I kept feeling the need to lighten the mood. Which ultimately resulted in…

"You know what sucks the most? I have 'My Heart Will Go On' stuck in my head and I keep picturing Leo and Kate, except Leo's head is a giant heart."

"I don't know if that's more bizarre or totally depressing JD, but thanks, that's another disturbing image in my head." Bingo, the sob plus giggle means mission accomplished.

"You know, I cried for days after watching Titanic. Why can't men be more like Jack Dawson."

"Baby, I'm not sure I appreciate you talking about other men like that in front of me."

"Oh please Turk, you and JD talk about girls all the time."

"Yea that's totally different. That's me and JD."

"Don't you go all double standards on my Chritopher Turk. Coz that couch is still unoccupied."

"You know, I had a feeling me not sleeping on the couch will bite someone in the ass." I whispered to Elliot. Who just smiled and then snuggled up against me.

This was good. The sound of Turk and Carla bickering and Elliot lying beside me was the most amazing feeling ever. I didn't feel so unresolved anymore. There was sudden peace in me. I've been flittering between peace and panic for a while now but I wanted to capture this moment in my memory for future reference. This is the exact feeling I want to keep with me, just before the end. This moment in which everything is as it should be. If I wasn't so comfortable, I'd try and write it down, but just taking it all in was good enough for that moment.

"Guys." I said finally. And a round of "yes" and "hmm" went around "I love you all". I think I jinxed myself with that last part because all of a sudden, intense pain shot up through my arm and then all the way up to my chest.

Oh Crap, I'm having a heart attack.

"Elliot" I whispered, clentching my teeth to stop myself from squealing.

"JD! Whats wrong. Guys, something's wrong with JD."

"I think I'm having a heart attack." I say, closing my eyes as tightly as I can to clock out the pain. I don't know whay people do that, its not like if you close your eyes, everything goes away. I've come to realize that we do a lot of stupid things when we're in pain. Like biting your lower lip. How does biting yourself make the pain in your chest go away? Anyways, I'm going random again. But when I do decide to come back to the real world, I realize that I'm already being taken into the ambulance. When did that happen? What's going on?

"Don't worry V-Bear. Dr. Cox just called, we found a donor. You're going to be man."

"Yea." I say before the world starts to go black. The last thing I hear is Turk yelling for a defibrillator.

Then darkness finally takes over, and the last thing I remember thinking is that I've never been in am ambulance as a patient before.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hey guys, I'm really sorry this took so long. Way too much work to do these days. But now that the essays are not totally crushing my muse, here is the new chapter. Thanks for all the reviews! Please keep them coming. Its what keeps me on my toes and helps me writefaster.

PS. I don't particularly love writing Dan, so I've avoided JD's real family completely, sorry if you wanted him in the story.

The human mind never ceases to amaze. The last thing I remember was passing out in front of Turk, from a heart attack and now, I'm having an outer body experience. I can see Turk and Dr Wen doing surgery below me. It's actually the scariest thing I've ever seen. Much scarier than the appendectomy. I mean I can see them taking out my heart, which by the way is not as big literally as it is figuratively. I've seen surgeries before, even helped with a couple, but seeing yourself lying there, cut open is so bizarre. Come to think of it, having an outer body experience itself is just plain insane. But oh well, I always new I was destined for special things.

As I turn around, I can see faces plastered against the glass door. There's Carla, Elliot and Dr Cox? Since when does he watch Turk perform surgeries? Oh wait, its me he's there for. He kinda looks freaked out though. He's got that look of horror he sometimes has when a patient of his codes on him. He probably thinks I'll code too. I hope I don't, the floating thing is cool and all but I don't really want to stay up here for good. I feel like a balloon, bouncing in the air. Well, maybe I could get used to it, but I still want to wake up at some point. This is bound to get old some time. Besides, it'll get sort of lonely if no one can talk to me.

"Hey JD"

"Ted? What are you doing here? Are you in surgery too?"

"No I fell asleep on my desk. I tend to float around the hospital sometimes. It helps me relax."

"Oh, Nice" No its not, its totally creepy.

"So getting your heart transplant huh? That's good."

"Yea I hope so."

"Gosh, I hope this calms Kelso down. He's been up my ass all week because of the donor transplant list."

"He has? I didn't know he cared."

"Yea, and Carla threatened to mutilate his testicles if he didn't."

"Ah, Carla is very strong."

"I was sorta hoping we didn't find a donor."

"What why? "

"So I could watch Carla torment Dr Kelso."

"Fair enough." I'd be offended but watching Karla manhandle Dr Keslo would be pretty funny.

_Imagines Carla clad in leather, letting a quivering Kelso out of a cage." You ready to lose your manhood Bob."_

"_Noooo. Nurse Turkleton! Spare my big daddy!" _

"_Its Nurse Turk! You ain't gonna get away this time! You been a bad boy Kelso and now you gonna pay!." Takes out a whip and wacks it in the air making a swishing noise. _

Big daddy? I crack myself up sometimes.

"Aw, he's waking me up! See you down there JD."

"Take care. Oh and Ted, don't forget to hand over my letters if I don't"

"I won't"

Ok so now I'm alone again. Looking around, there's more cutting and blood everywhere. Operations don't make good horror movies but they sure have a lot of gore. This is boring, I think I'll float on outside the OR and see what the others are up to.

Now I'm standing next to Carla, she's hugging Elliot. They seem to be consoling each other. Its good to know that they have each other for support.

"He's going to be fine Elliot. Don't worry honey."

"But what if he doesn't make it? I don't know what I'd do without him. I can't even think about life without him."

"You can't think like that. He'll be fine. Besides, its JD, you can't get rid off him most of the time even when you want to. What makes you think we'll be so lucky now."

Elliot, chuckled a little, through her tears. Aw, Carla is such a good consoler…HEY! LOW BLOW, I'm standing right next to you. Oh well, at least no one's crying anymore. Moving on, I go and stand next to Dr Cox. His gaze is transfixed on my body being cut open in the OR. "Come on Newbie, come on!" Is he talking to me?

"Dr Cox?"

"Come on, you can do this, don't die on us." He's murmuring to himself. Oh wait, he is talking to me, sort of. I guess he's encouraging me and consoling himself at the same time. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he loved me like a son. Oh wait, maybe I don't know better.

"I swear Gandhi, of he dies, I'll rip your head off."

Well no pressure huh Turk. This is all very educating. Dr Cox is actually so worried about me, he's talking to himself, Ted floats around the hospital at night and Carla threatened to mutilate Dr Kelso's testicles for me. I'm not hating the ghostly experience so far.

But then, when I look at Elliot, I realize that there is no way I can spend eternity, not being able to talk to her, be there for her or even touch her. In fact, I don't want to sit here and watch the rest of my family live out there lives, and have no contribution in it. I need to get back to my own body. I wonder how far the surgery has gone. Can I go in now Turk.

"Dude, stop taking to me, I'm working."

……………………………..

Turk's POV.

This was the most difficult surgery I've ever performed. I mean this wasn't just an appendectomy, it was a heart transplant. So many things could have gone wrong, so many things still can go wrong. I've never had to work so hard to keep my hands stable, like ever. They say that doctors should be able to put their feelings aside in the operating room, but they had no idea, you know what I'm saying? I mean this is JD were talking about. My best friend, my vanilla bear. If I would have messed this up, I donno what I would have done to myself. Heck I'm scared to think what Carla would have done to me, or Elliot for that matter. I was so scared I was going to lose him today, thank god I didn't. I'm so glad this is over, the surgery is complete. Now all I have to do is wait and see if the body accepts the heart, and then when he's feeling better, I'm going to take to that star wars convention he wanted to go to for so long, and do everything else I said I would but didn't. I'm so relieved, I think I'm going to cry again. I've already burst into tears twice today, once in the house and then right after I finished surgery.

I'm so beat right now, I could play dead for a week, but in all honestly, there is just no way in hell I'll be able to sleep. I'm so wired up I could generate electricity for Sacred Heart for a month. I don't think I've ever been this strung up during a sugary. I kept feeling like JD was somehow staring at me performing his surgery from somewhere in the room. Not to mention the fact that Carla, Elliot and Dr. Cox _were_ standing there really cranking up the pressure. If I had a list of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, this would be right up there, on the very absolute top, even above having to telling my mom that I wanted to join ballet classes in middle school.

I'm just glad its all over. Now all I have to do is wait for JD to wake up and everything thing will be right as rain.

………………………………………………..

Dr. Kelso's POV

"Gather up dim wits" Dear god these interns are extra strength stupid, why do I keep doing this to myself anyway?

"If you're all quite finished systematically killing off all the patients in this hospital, I'd like to make a little suggest."

"How about you take your sorry asses and throw them off the highest building so that I can hire a new bunch of idiots to kill my patients. Or maybe, just maybe, One of you can actually answer a question related to anatomy that doesn't involve Britney Spear's breasts." I love squirming faces, its an intern special though, no one else squirms like that. Except for nervous guy, he is a natural.

"Now, since I can't remember any of your names or the name I gave you all last time to make up for it, today I will be referring to all the girls as booby, and all the guys and long johns. Now, Ms booby with the hideously bushy hair, pray tell what is wrong with Mr. Adams?"

"Uh…He's sick?"

"My Dog Backster could have made a better diagnosis, but that's not saying much because he actually had more brains than all of you put together. Does anyone here even know how to look at a chart." For the love of God, where are Cox and Dorian when you need them? These blunt pencils are no doubt being taught by even bigger baffoons right now."

"You, Long John with overly handsome face want to save the day with the answer?"

"Uh, sir, his heart rejected his body after transplant."

"And how do we treat that?"

"By putting him on immunosuppressant and modifying this immuno-therapy. He's also considering re-transplant"

"Ok lookie, we have a winner. Well Done Dr. Long Johns Smarty pants. Let move on."

Speaking of transplants, I should probably go see if Turkleton managed to not kill the guy I was hoping Harrison would some day date. Not to mention, I sort of need Dr Dorian to take these bands of Paris Hiltons and actually teach them how to stop killing so many god damned patients.

………………………

Elliot

FRICK JD will you just wake up already? I know, I know, big biopsy and all that but enough with the making people wait. Just wake up and be okay, Ok? I can't handle this anymore. I haven't slept in weeks, I look like a mop with my hair all frazzeled all the time and I'm just bored without you. Everyone here is just sad and lost when you're not there to cheer people up. No one's cracking jokes, making goofy comments, playing hide and seek with Turk or irritating Dr. Cox. Even the Janitor hasn't tripped anyone with the wet floor. Just wake up alright? That heart is meant to be mine, I know that now, and I need it working condition! I also would really appreciate it if the guy's heart I want to still would actually wake the frick up. I've even broken up with Keith now, and I'm ready for our new relationship to start. We won't make the same mistakes again. I'm sure about it, and I think that we're both going to be able to work everything out this time.

Come on JD! Wake up!

"Elliot?"

"JD! You're awake! I know it, I am psychic. I wanted you to wake up and you did!"

"Cold hands woke me up actually." Oh. Well, at least he's up, even though he sounds like a little girl right now. Everything is going to be just fine.

"hold up, I'm going to get you some ice chips."

"yum." See, back to the old JD goofiness, everything will be great!

A/N Please Please Please review if ur still reading and want this to continue!


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the long pause. I had exams and all that. This is the last chapter. I hope you like it. Pretty please review, and tell me what you thought. Also tell me if you like my stories enough to read others, coz I'm thinking I might write more if people want to read. **

Ever since I woke up after my heart transplant a week ago, things have been looking up. For starters, people have stopped bawling their eyes out whenever they see me. I've also been put on amuno-therapy and my therapist is one big cup of good looking. I can't wait for my next appointment. To top it all off though, I'm finally getting to go home tonight. It's been so long since I went to my own apartment; I'm starting to forget what it looks like. In fact, when I imagine my apartment, I usually see a spaceship with lots of do-hickeys. I do like being called Captain. Anyway, it's been a long couple of weeks and I'm just super glad it's all over.

"JD. Are you ready to head home?" Ah my beautiful Eliot, in my mind she's an alien princess who's stranded on earth.

"Yes you highness!"

"Aw, I love it when you call me your highness. Did you know, when I was a little girl, I used to wear a tiara all the time, even to school. (Does the usual throat clear) of course that's one of the reasons all the kids called me princess Crazyface. Kids can be mean. Anywho, howz about us blow this popsicle stand Dr. Dorian?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"Ok well, get changed and I'll go find someone to get us a wheel chair.

It's strange, even though I'm dying to get out of this room and this hospital, I can't help but feel a little sad. I know, this place has given me a whole life's worth of trauma: finding out I was dying, thinking about dying, almost dying: finding out that I loved Eliot but not being able to tell her and having Dr Kelso show me his tattoo of that says Jonney on his but cheek to prove that he had a close friend like Turk. I have to say though, I think it's the last one that's going to really haunt me dreams. Despite all that though, some great things did happen right here. I realized that Elliot loved me too, that my interns did learn something from me and that of all people, Jordan actually saw me as a friend. Most shocking of all though was realizing that the Janitor had a fluffy inner core and that he truly and honestly cared about me. I think this is going to be the beginning of a wonderful friendship. No more fighting, pranks, scare tactics or crazy schemes about ruining my life. No sir, not us, we are now best bud….

"Watch out!" And we're back to popsicling newly changed clothes with ammonia filled, super-cold mops. Just great!

"I thought we were friends." Why do I sound like such a girl?

"Break times over. I have to go back to being scary guy whose only purpose in life is to ruin yours, and you have to go back to being annoying doctor who sounds like a girl. It's our Nic."

"Niche." Oops, correcting the Janitor is always a mistake. When will I learn?

"That's two."

"What? no, that's one, I just got out of recovery, I didn't even do any…"

"That's three; prepare to be popsicled…again." Cold!

"Janitor!" Ah Elliot to the rescue!

"Hello Blonde Doctor."

"Don't hello me, I turn my for back five seconds and you Popsicle JD. What the frick? He hasn't even started recovering properly yet and you're already torturing him. Do you want a swift kick in you Cabooty because I can arrange that? Now, where is that wheel chair you were supposed to get me?"

"Its outside, I'll go get it." Wow, I never thought I'd live to see the Janitor actually get scared of someone but right now, he shot out of the room faster than superman. I forgot how scary Elliot can be when she's in 'I'm going to kill anyone who touches my friend' mode. I love that mode!

"Where are Turk and Carla?"

"They're off today, so they're setting up your place."

"They didn't have to do that." Yessss! I'm getting V.I.P treatment. Finally! I hope there's a marching band that plays in my honor.

…………………….

The funny thing is, there really was a marching band right outside my apartment building, with Turk wearing his big daddy hat and dancing in front of it like we did when Izzie was born.

"My Vanilla Bear is back!" Yelled Turk as bounced up and down in front me me, before giving me a chocolate bear hug.

"Thanks C-bear! And good call on the marching band."

"Hell yea! Besides, when a captain enters his spaceship, there's always background music, you know what I sayin." Aw, he knows me too well. That thought, coupled with watching men in bright rend band costumes doing the grand entrance drum roll, made my heart soar. Literally, for a second, I felt almost lightheaded with all the excitement. It was in a good way though, I think.

Things settled down a bit after the band had to be removed from the premise when Mrs. Andrews who lives two flows down, called the cops. Still, I was just enjoying being around all my friends again, without the threat of death hanging over my head. Turk, Elliot, Carla and I spent most of that night watching Gilmore girls reruns, eating popcorn and laughing about nothing in particular. I don't think I've ever felt this relaxed before in my entire life. Yea, I was still really weak, tired and nauseated but the very fact that I could be all these things and not be dead instead, made me feel so great that nothing could compare.

…………………..

It's been three days since I've been discharged from sacred heart and now that I'm feeling a lot stronger, the entire staff has thrown me a Welcome Back to the Living party at our usual bar. Since I'm still not allowed to chug down my Appletini like I normally would, I'm making do with apple juice while everyone around me gets progressively drunk. So far, Jordan has gotten drunk and tried to hit on me to make Dr. Cox jealous, Ted has passed out on the bar after having half a beer and Dr Kelso is threatening to strip dance. Amusing as all this is, I've also been showered with hugs, kisses, pats on the shoulder and expressions of affection everywhere I turn. I don't think I've been this emotionally satisfied in my whole life. All I ever wanted is for people to love me and want me around, and now it seems that's finally happened. It seems sort of weird to think this but I'm sort of glad I had a near death experience. I guess you never know how much you mean to people until they almost lose you.

The only person who hasn't told me how much I mean to him yet is…

"Hey Doctor Cox. Got enough whiskey there?" He's sitting on the counter with his back towards me, nursing two full glasses.

"It's been a long couple of days Newbie."

"Yes it has." Somehow, I didn't think he was talking about the crap load of work he undoubtedly had to deal with but I could never be sure. "You were worried huh?" I should have let it be subtle, but I just had to know. Of course now he has his, 'You're a Pansy and I'm not' face on.

"I wasn't talking about you Phoebe. I meant my work." Why does he have to ruin this moment for me? Why can't he just admit that he actually cares? He makes me so mad that I can't even come up with an angry day dream.

"Doctor Cox, I had to almost die to realize that a lot of people cared about me. I'm willing to bet most of these people didn't even know they did until now. What's it going to take for you to admit that you care?"

"Nothing Newbie, because I really, really, really, really, really, really really really…(deep breath) really really don't care." Great, now he's got me so mad that I can't stand to be anywhere near him. Normally this wouldn't bother me but I did have a heart transplant. The least he could do is be nice to me and give me a warm and loving hug for all the crap I went through.

"Fine. Why don't you stay that way in your pathetic little so called Island where no one cares about you or you about anyone else. Out here in the real world through Dr Cox, everybody needs someone to care about them. You're lucky enough to have people who give a crap, its too bad you're not strong enough to return the favor. And just so you know, just because you got a second chance to be a jackass to me, doesn't mean you'll get another one to be nice to someone else." For effect, I slammed my apple juice on the counter and stormed out of the bar. I was just glad no one else saw my drama queen exit. The night had started to slow down a bit and everyone who was swarming around me like bees earlier was doing their own thing for the moment.

The other reason I was glad no one was watching was because I was starting to feel a little dizzy and by the time I got to the door, I could barely support myself and was using the door frame to keep me steady. I guess I had a little too much excitement for one day. I needed to get some fresh air. So I stumbled into the parking lot and sat down on the pavement. Sweat was running down my forehead and my heart felt like it was sinking. This wasn't good at all. I needed to tell someone about it, but for some reason, I couldn't get myself to move. All of a sudden, I was just too tired. So I just put my head down on my arms, pulled my knees up and tried to calm myself down. It took a couple of seconds but I did feel better again. I guess stuff like this is to be expected after a heart transplant. I can't just think that my life is going to go exactly back to normal without any sort of medical repercussions. Sill, I should mention this to my therapist later.

"You should probably get back inside. The crowd is getting antsy without any entertainment. And with an exit like that Lindsey, I'm sure you can at least pull off the reenactment of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, if not dare I say, Mean Girls."

I still had my head down because I didn't want to jinx my recovery and because I wanted to make Dr Cox think that I was too mad to look at him, which I was. So to emphasize…

"Go away Perry. I'm not in the mood anymore." That's right, I can be a island too if I want to be.

"Fair enough. I just wanted to say though Newbie…." I waited for the big apology but it didn't come. All there was, was silence. Too curious to pretend to not care anymore, I gave in and made eye contact. I was genuinely shocked to see raw emotion in his eyes. It wasn't enough this time though, he was either going to admit that he cared to my face today, or show me emotion and pretend it never happened later. Not this time Perry!

"What? What do you want to say? Because if this is going to be one of those times when you lead me into thinking you care and then shut me out again, you might as well forget it Dr Cox because I'm not up for your games today. You know, you and the Janitor are so alike. You love playing with people's emotions because you have no idea what to do with your own…"

"Newbie…I'm…sorry. OK! What do you want me to say huh? That I care about you, that you're the only Doctor in that dump of a hospital I actually respect. That I'm proud of you, that you changed my sorry life around? That you scared the life out of me? What do you want to hear? Because I'm not going to say any of those things because saying them means letting you in JD, and in my world, people get hurt. That's all you can look forward to, a lifetime supply of the Cox special. Buy one, get the other one killed, screwed in the head or beaten up by drunk father. Is that what you want?"

What? Does he honestly blame himself for everything bad that happens to the people around him?

"Perry, if I've learned anything from you, its that bad things happened to people and all you can do is deal with it and move on. Your life was tough, I get that, and you lost a lot of people in your life. But you're not the only one, which means that there is no way, any of that is your fault. Now you need to decide, are you going to lose the friends you have for the ones you could some day lose or do you have the courage to 'put a hole when it really counts'."

"What is this Newbie, new found wisdom from the guy who got kicked out of the fully cloudy place just before they were about to give him the life time membership."

"Yes Perry, my near death experience has taught me a whole heck of a lot, the question is, has it taught you anything?"

"It has Newbie, it sure has. Now can we go inside, its getting cold."

"Yea my nipples are sticking out like raisons."

"Use your inside voice Newbie."

So even thought I didn't get my hug, at least I had real confirmation that he actually cared and he did put his arm around my shoulder for a few seconds before he realized what he was doing.

When we got back inside, I was once again swarmed by people telling how glad they were that I was OK. Even the Todd came up to give me a "transplant five", which almost took off my hand. By this time Elliot had resumed her spot as an extension of my arm, like she had been for the better part of the evening. I was dying to get a chance to talk to her alone but there were just too many people around and it really was too chilly to go out again. So instead I had to content myself with just being close to her for the moment.

As the party started to wind down, I started feeling progressively tired. It was like the people around me were giving me energy and the more that left, the more I felt drained.

_Imagines his stomach opening like a battery slot with a hundred batteries in it and people pulling them out one by one. "Thanks JD, I needed some for my alarm clock." Says one of the guests before yanking at one of the batteries particularly hard. _

"_Whatch it! That one powers my arms. Great! Now my arms are to tired to protect my tummy." While he's talking though, women takes sticks her hand in his mouth and pulls a battery. "Noooo" JD's voice becomes distorted and slow before going mute. He still continues to mouth his dismay in colorful but mute language be fore the Janitor yanks the power cord attached to his back, shutting him down like a robot. _

Damnit, the Janitor wins even in my own day dreams. Anyway, I just wanted to curl up in bed and go to sleep.

"JD, ready to go?" How does Elliot always know exactly what I want?

"Yes please"

……………………….

All through out the car ride, I just wanted to ask Elliot to pull over so we could make love on the roadside, but two things kept me from doing it. Onc, I was two tired for sex, and two, I hadn't actually told her that I loved her.

So when we go to my place, this is why I decided to say…

"Elliot I have to tell you something."

"What is JD?"

"Look, I know these last couple of days have been really tough on you too, and I don't want you to decide anything because of it but I've realized something about myself that I want to share with you. I Love you." There I said it! She looks shocked, I should continue before any sort of extreme sad r happy emotions explodes on her face.

"The thing is, even when I was dying, when I thought that there wasn't going to be any donor, I thought, lying near you on Turk and Carla's mattress was heaven for me. I didn't want anything else from life and its all because of you. I didn't want to say this before because it would be crappy timing back then, but Elliot, I'd consider myself lucky if I died knowing you were next to me…." I didn't get to complete my sentence because I was engulfed in passionate kiss that made my whole body tingle like only Elliot could do.

When we finally broke apart, her eyes were sparkling with unshed tears of joy. "I love you too JD. I always have and It almost killed me to watch you slowly slip away." With that we began to kiss again but I couldn't keep it up for long. I was beginning to pant and my heart rate was skyrocketing. That awful feeling that I had in the parking lot was back but with a vengeance.

"JD, are you ok?"

"Yea, just a bit tired."

"OK lets get you back upstairs. It's been a long night. We can finish this later."

With that we made our way to my apartment, but the trip took out every ounce of energy in me. I was so warn out by the time I got to my floor that I could barely stand.

"JD, what's wrong? You looked totally pooped."

"Yea, is it hot in here or what?"

_Imagines himself sitting in a witch's caldron, with three hags chanting "Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble." _

"_Ladies, no need for trouble here. Besides, I'm not that excited about the boiling thing. It makes me skin itchy. I'm sure you can forgive me this once. In my defense you aren't quite as young looking anymore. So what if I thought Agatha's age was a 100. it's a compliment." The witch called Agatha hisses at JD. "Or not" _

"What are you talking about? It's freezing in here. Oh my god, you're sweating, and you look out of breath too. Lets get you inside and then I'm calling the ambulance."

I couldn't argue with that. I had a bad feeling that this wasn't supposed to happen and that it wasn't just a regular side effect of a heart transplant.

By the time I lay down on my couch, I could actually hear my heart beating so loudly in my hears that I almost didn't hear Elliot calling Sacred Heart. Before I knew it, like De ja Vu, I was whisked back to sacred heart, in an ambulance. Elliot sat beside me the whole time, holding my had and whispering that everything was all right. Strangely, I was more afraid this time then I was the last time. I guess it's easier when you're prepared for things to go wrong.

The spew of De Ja Vu didn't stop though, I was once again on a gurney, with Dr Cox running towards me, followed by Turn and Carla. I wasn't quite as out of it this time though.

"Hey guys." I was trying to reassure them because they all looked totally freaked. "Its OK, no need to panic, I'm sure its just a false alarm. I don't feel all cardiac arrest-ie right now." In a way I was trying to reassure myself though.

"Let's just make sure ok Newbie." Dr. Cox was using his gentle tone, he's definitely freaking out.

Once again Turk's giant turtle head came into my vision.

"Vanilla bear, what the hell? I thought were done with this whole, scare the living crap out of Turk thing."

"Relax C-bear. I'm fine. Elliot just wanted to make sure everything was going according to plan." I don't know why I was lying but as I was being wheeled away from Turk, I felt like I needed to hold onto something good, as I looked back and saw Elliot, Carla, Turk, Dr Cox, Dr. Kelso, Laverne, the Todd, Ted and the Janitor snap into my line of vision for a split second. "I love you guys" I yelled back. Watching all their faces disappear behind closed hospital doors, I knew somehow that this was goodbye.

…………………….

Dr. Cox's POV

It's the irony of this god forsaking place that kills you sometimes. The guy who stole, bartered and downright snatched the heart of every personelle in this hospital was lying in front of my, dying because his own heart was rejecting his body. Where is the justice in all this? Heck, why bother making us all think everything was going to be ok if you were going to take him away anyway. I swear, you most be bored out of your mind up there because you sure as hell like to play with our lives to make yours interesting. Well I'll tell you this, he'll be up there with you for all of two minutes before you get annoyed and send him right the hell back down. And I'll be waiting by his bed to tell you I told you so. You know why? Because he's our Newbie, he's my boy and I know how to handle him.

"Say Newbie, you sure know how to scare people huh? Now what say we cut the crap and you just accept the merchandise you bought because I'm telling ya, customer service can be a bitch these days. So do us all a favor and accept that new juicy heart of yours. I need you right here by my side. You know how I never admit how I feel? I will now. I'll always do that from now on ok. You're like a son to me ok? I love you like a son and I need you. Barbie needs you too, she's going extra strength neurotic now. Don't do this to her. That gal loves you like nothing else in the world. Don't leave her out to dry like that. And your other girlfriend Gandhi will be so crushed I'm sort of thinking she'll never be the same again. He has a daughter and a wife who need him to be his crazy self and you not being there are going to make that real difficult. Besides, this hospital has gotten used to your extra mile kind of ways; there is just no going back from that. Come on Newbie, come back to us."

I thought I imagined it at first but I thought I saw JD open his eyes. At first, I was so relieved I could have peed my pants just then, but the look in his eyes was not what I had hoped for. He was saying sorry, thank you and goodbye.

"No, no Newbie wait. Please." Just then Barbie bust into the room, tears streaming down her cheeks relentlessly. Seeing JD awake she clung to his arm desperately, begging him to stay. The flow of the moment was so strong that, for some reason I convinced myself that if we tried harder to make him stay, he'd make himself better. So I did the once thing that would convince him I was serious. I hugged him. I think the plan backfired though because he turned around and looked at me with pure gratitude, before finally closing them. Then the monitors around us began to sound, but all I could hear was deafening silence. The guy who broke all the uncomfortable silences with goofy jokes was gone. Dr. John Dorian was gone.

**A/N Thanks for reading guys. Please review, they are really appreciated. I'm sorry if then end was too sad for you guys. Let me know what you think so that I can write better next time. **


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